Bible according to children (hilarious post)

(Disclaimer: This post is taken word-for-word from the book mentioned at the end of this post)

(Warning: Eating and/or drinking is NOT recommended while reading this post as it may result in choking. The post or the authors of the blog will not be held responsible to any damage that occurs). :D

Enjoy

Sunday school boys and girls produce not only graphic misinterpretations of the Bible in their drawings. They also rewrite biblical history with amazing Grace. It is truly astonishing what happens to Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world.

The Bible is full of many interesting caricatures. Michelangelo painted them on the sixteen chapels.

The first five books of the Bible are Genesis, Exodus, laxatives, Deuteronomy, and Numbers. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “am I my brother's son? My punishment is greater than I can bare.”

Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. He built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. Saddam and Gomorrah were twins.

Abraham begat Issac and Isaac begat Jacob and Jacob begat twelve partridges. God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Abraham took Isaac up the mountain to be circumcised. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother Esau’s birthmark. Esau was a man who wrote fables and sold his copyright for a mess of potash. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

The Jew's were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samsung was a strong man who left himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. He slayed them by pulling down the pillows of the temple.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make beds without straw. Moses was an Egyptian who lived in a hark made of bullrushes. Moses led the Hebrews to the red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 Amendments. The First commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. The Ninth Commandment is thou salt not bare faults witness.

Moses ate nothing but whales and manner for forty years. He died before he ever reached Canada. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He wrote psalms. They are called psalms because he sang them while playing the harmonica. David also fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he lost all his cattle and all his children and had to go live along with his wife in the desert. Then came Shadrach, Meshach, and to Bed We Go, and then Salome, who was a wicked woman who wore very few clothes and took them off when she danced before the Harrods.

When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager wrapped in waddling clothes. In the Gospel of Luke they named him Enamel. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.” Jesus was crucified on his way to Calgary. It was a miracle when he rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the twelve decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opposums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should only have one wife. This is called monotony. The natives of Macedonia did not believe in Paul, so he got stoned.

Other Christians were condemned to death in large groups. They entered the arena to face wild lions singing hymns of praise in the name of the Father, the Son, and In-The-Hole-he-Goes. The Romans went to the coliseum to watch the Christian die for the fun of it. But, as Mel Brooks says, “The meek shall inherit the earth.”

Taken from

Don't Stop Laughing Now, pages 47 - 50

Reasons for the reduced number of vocations

The past few decades have seen a dramatic decline in the number of people entering seminary to study for priesthood. One of the exceptions is of course in India and in the African countries where vocations are growing along with the number of the faithful. Why is this happening? Why is it that the number of vocations are being trickled down to almost nothing? Is it a lack of calling from God? Personally, I do not believe that’s true. Here are some possible reasons.

1. Families are not religious – The foundation of church is the family. Each individual family – consisting of father, mother, and children – make up the church and therefore it is the responsibility of each family to uphold Christian values and live like good Christians. However, in the Western Hemisphere, especially in developed countries, families are crumbling to single parent families. Why does this happen? A family united by God falls apart when they reject God. Of course, this is not true in all cases, however, looking at the current situation, one cannot help but wonder what place God is given in the families of developed nations. The number of atheists and agnostics are rising each day. This is because parents have failed to teach the children about Christianity, its values, and its foundations. Because they failed to complete their responsibility, now the society is crumbling because of godlessness. When families do not teach Christian values, Christianity and the Christian spirit dies in the family, which leads to less and less vocations, which causes less priests to be ordained.
   
   
2. Negative image of Priesthood - Another reason is that priesthood is given a negative image by many because of recent happening. While the happening may or may not be true, it should be noticed only less than 1% of all priests have committed any heinous crimes. Others are leading a model life. Therefore, not only is it unfair to paint every priest with the same brush, but it’s also ridiculous to do so.
   
   
3. Want of a life with freedom and lack of restrictions - Freedom without restrictions has come to become the motto of many teenagers and young adults. They want to engage in substance abuse and promiscuous activities to please the desires of flesh. Priesthood calls for a life of celibacy and humility, which can only be practiced with God’s grace and self-control. Most people today are unwilling to take that path just to enjoy life as much as they can today, without giving a thought about the eternal life, which lasts much longer than 60 or 70 or 90 years. People should learn to overcome the temptations that are present at every corner. This not only helps to be a better person spiritually, but it also provides to become a better human being.
   
   
4. Celibacy seen as “unmanly” - Celibacy is seen as “unmanly” and unnatural. First of all, it takes real men to become celibates. To reject the pleasures and desires of the flesh requires firm self-control and solid determination. Celibacy has never been an unnatural aspect. Yogis of the Himalayas, hermits of Hinduism, monks of Buddhism, and if these are not enough, Jesus himself was a celibate.
   
   
5. Choosing bad role models - Today, teenagers and the youth lack good role models. To them, their heroes include actors, singers, and celebrities who have money but not personal happiness or satisfaction. This has to change. As was popular in the old days, saints and the common people who lead a good life should be modeled. This will surely increase the spirituality in the populace.
   
   
6. Unappreciated life of a priest - Priesthood is often seen, and truthfully so, as an unappreciated way of life. In this world where people search for fame and glory, to live for others seems like a strange idea. However, the happiness and satisfactions the priest receives while holding the Holy Eucharist in their hands or after helping someone by listening to them cannot be achieved through any other ordinary means. Priesthood calls for sacrifice; to lay down your life for the well being of others. Even if the job is unappreciated, it is to a priest that a person goes to when they are in trouble. It is not the prestige of the job that counts, but the effects it has on others.

If these obstacles can be overcome, the number of people who listen to their vocations will increase. Religiousness in families will increase making the family stable. The society will become a model to others. Prayer, too, also plays an important role. Prayer is a necessary for the growth of vocations. Please pray for vocations.